transparency…

hey loves! I have wanted to write a new post, but I have been feeling a little sad for the past few weeks, and that has held me back a bit. over the last week or so, one thought sticking with me, is the realization that: I am an influencer.

I am always greeted with a sense of bewilderment when I step outside of myself for a moment, and see myself from the outside looking in. from my observations, in life, we are constantly embodying experiences that are meant to give us a great sense of accomplishment. generally, when we set goals, we achieve them. when we set our heart on things, we acquire them. when we envision ourselves going places, and meeting people… before we notice, we’re there, and we are meeting faces we had always imagined we would.

anyways, I say all of that to say, I realize how important my impact and legacy are; my impact while I am alive on this planet, and my legacy once I am passed on from this lifetime. more, I see how capable I am. I can truly accomplish anything I put my mind to!

being an influencer is one of the biggest commitments of my life, and one of the most challenging! although living as an influencer is a never-changing aspect of who I am, I will always be in a state of ‘becoming’, as an influencer. it is, who I have always been becoming.

as scary as it may be to truly follow our destiny, I find it to be equally as exciting… if not more. there is a sense of satisfaction that comes with knowing and confirming we are walking the right path. in case you wonder how we are able to identify if we are walking the right path and receiving confirmations from the universe, I would be happy to use myself as an example, to lend a bit of insight.

have you ever felt a bit apprehensive when it comes to prophesying over your own life? personally, I have always felt a bit shy when I consider prophesying over my own life. intuitively, I feel we all deeply know our truest self. however, I also believe there is a very fine line between prophesying over our own future, and developing a sense of ‘God-complex’ in the midst. with that, I would like to lend a little insight on how I am able to teeter in the middle, and maintain humility while still living a life of prophetic fulfillment.

typically, I wouldn’t really open up regarding this aspect of my life, and, who I am. but, through meditation and reflection, I have decided to open up a bit more. I am sharing my personal introspection because I believe it is part of my calling. while I would consider myself to be quite private and some consider me to be rather mysterious, I find beauty in transparency. transparency lends so much love to others around us. through transparency we are able to closely relate to others, and build a safe space where we can thrive as a community.

when I was a young child, I’d always dreamt of who I would grow-up to be. I recall a window in time where I was care-free and clueless…. similarly, I recall a window in time where I began to gain consciousness. I would have to say, my consciousness was sparked by my daily experiences and different tides of emotions. as I grew older and encountered more and more experiences in my life, I became more and more conscious. even though I was gaining consciousness in regards to my experiences and beginning to learn of my emotions, I did not particularly have much knowledge or understanding of everything happening both around me, and inside of me.

I was never taught an understanding of emotions. I did not learn at a young age how to identify my emotions, process them, and work through them. I was not informed on positive emotions versus negative emotions, or, good coping mechanisms versus bad coping mechanisms, etc.

my earliest memories of recognizing my own feelings and consciousness are typically instances where I was alone. as a baby, a young child, and practically all of my life, I have been very alone. if you were to ask my mother of stories from my very early childhood, you’d hear stories of me attempting to climb out of my baby crib and getting myself stuck in the bars, or, stories of my mothers’ ex-husband removing the wheels on my baby walker and setting me in the center of the room where I would throw a tantrum, and of course, attempt to break free. she would say I was always getting into things, and that was her husbands’ solution in dealing with me while she was away working. ironically, I vividly remember these instances.

the memories of loneliness are dense amongst my recollections of my childhood. for example, when I would get the chance to visit with my dad every other weekend, per he and my mothers’ court order, I was faced with more instances and feelings of loneliness. my dad married a woman who never supported his relationship with me, and, they had a baby. my little sister is a true beauty. however, with the division in our ‘family’, I was faced with constant segregation from my father, which left me feeling very lonely. his ex-wife was similar to a bully, and, she wanted my father all to herself and their baby.

occasionally, when I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed and burnt out, I begin to question if any of this is ‘worth it’…

realistically, my nail art journey, my blog-site, all of the endeavors I pursue in relation to my role as an influencer, it is all optional. truthfully, there is no current monetary gain in this journey for me. everything I have pursued in relation to this endeavor, it has all been birthed, rooted, and stemmed from pure passion and love. love for self, and for others. love for art, self-expression, community. a passion to grow, create, and succeed.

when I am feeling down, and second-guessing myself, I have to remind myself that one day, my efforts will all pay off! there will come a time in my journey where I will look back in gratitude, likely with tears in my eyes. even though I am still awaiting my greatest successes yet to come, that lends no excuse not to enjoy the little successes along the way!